There are plenty of reasons you might talk yourself out of becoming a foster carer. Many people do not come forward to foster because they have already decided they would not be suitable due to the perceived barriers to fostering.
Conversation about fostering often start with “I would love to foster but I don’t think I can because….
…I work
…I couldn’t give them back
…I have children of my own
…I live in rented accommodation”, to name just a few!
Becoming a foster carer isn’t a decision that should be taken lightly and there are many things to consider. There may not be a perfect time to start fostering but there are children in your community who are waiting for a foster family right now.
Jo and her husband Boz have been fostering with their local authority in Wrexham since 2015. When it comes to fostering, Jo believes in the importance of living in the here and now.
Jo shares her personal experiences around some of the reasons why people think they can’t foster but can, including how she combines her work and fostering successfully, as well as bringing up her own children and how she deals with saying goodbye when the foster children move on.
what led us to fostering
“Having had a large family of our own, fostering was something we would often talk about,” says Jo, who has 5 children of her own. “I was fortunate to have a really lovely childhood, but my husband had quite a difficult childhood and he would often say that he wished that someone had taken him into foster care.”
“That really resonated with me. But at the time we were busy bringing up our own family. In 2014, we had a spare bedroom for the first time ever in the house that we rented at the time. I remember talking about fostering again with Boz and he just said “go on then, we’ve got the room now”.
Jo, who works as a Teaching Assistant in a nearby primary school, was seeing an increase in social services referals and children going home to less than ideal circumstances. “It started to resonate with me even more that there was a real need for foster carers in the area and that now would be the right time to start fostering.”
With Jo’s two youngest children, who were 13 and 11 at the time, still living at home, they sat down as a family to discuss how everyone felt about fostering, including their grown up children who no longer lived at home. “We are a very close family and we wanted everyone to be a part of it and play a supportive role including our older children who no longer lived at home”, Jo explained.
“Fostering is a family decision. You are a fostering family. Not just a foster carer.”
Jo – Wrexham Foster Carer
With all members of the family on board, Jo and Boz were approved as Foster Carers in 2015 and a few weeks later, they welcomed their first foster children into their home.
“And that’s how it all began – and we have never looked back since,” Jo added.
Jo and Boz initially began doing short term and emergency foster care but they soon became a forever family for a sibling group of two. The family even moved to a bigger rented house to ensure that those siblings were kept together and with them for the long term. The housemove also enabled them to open their home to many more local children in need of care of the years.
They currently foster 3 children on a long term basis.
fostering with your own children: we are just one big mad family!
Fostering involves the whole family and will affect your own children. Making sure it’s right for your children is vital. Fostering can and does have many positive impacts on everyone in the household but it can also bring some challenges to your family dynamics.
“My advice would be to anyone considering fostering is to really think hard about how your own children, if you have any, will feel about it and how they will react,” says Jo.
“We have always made time for our own children and do nice things with them, like go to town and have a coffee. I think that is very important when you foster and have children of your own.”
“Our youngest found the experience hardest and struggled with it a bit at first, although still fully supportive of our decision to become foster carers and still wanted us to carry on.
“My youngest would always welcome new foster children into the home by introducing our family pets – pets are always a really good ice-breaker!”
“As we have always fostered children who are younger than our own, we find that it feels a little bit more natural for everyone in the household so the dynamics work for us as a family.
“We are just one big mad family. There is no divide, even though we’re not all related by blood. It’s very natural. We are very lucky to have such amazing foster children who have always been so caring, welcoming and mindful of each other’s unique situation.”
fostering and working: my job is important to me
Many prospective foster carers wonder if it’s possible to juggle the responsibilities of a job and fostering effectively, which is why people will often think that they can’t become foster carers. But with changes in society, the reality is that you may need and want to continue to work alongside your fostering commitments.
According to the Fostering Network, nearly 40% of foster carers combine fostering with other work. Those who do say that a supportive employer can make all the difference, enabling them to balance employment with looking after children.
More and more employers are now becoming Fostering Friendly, meaning they understand, support and respect their employees’ fostering commitments, like in Jo’s case.
“When we began fostering, I continued to work full time as a Teaching Assistant. I have sinced reduced my hours mainly to support my elderly parents, not because of fostering.
“Working in a school, it’s all about the children, so my employer understands and offers me a lot of flexibility. It’s important that your employer is on board with fostering too so I’m lucky in that respect.
“I’ve only ever fostered school-aged children so fostering has always fitted around my job. Also, as I work for Wrexham Borough Council, who are fostering friendly emloyers, I get additional annual leave as a foster carer to attend training, meetings and to deal with any emergencies.
“I love my job. It’s important to me. I’m a different Jo when I go to work. I’m Jo the Teaching Assistant. It’s a bit of me time really. I will continue to work and foster for as long as I can.
“The fostering team are also flexible and will work around my working hours and days off when it comes to reviews, meetings and all of the other things we do as foster carers!”
“In fostering, we all need to be flexible with each other!”
Jo – Wrexham Foster Carer
the emotional challenges of fostering: knowing their sad stories
Fostering is an emotional investment. It can have an emotional impact as it often involves caring for children who have experienced trauma or abuse. Knowing their stories and seeing how their past experiences has affected them can be difficult, as Jo explains.
“One of the toughest aspects of fostering for me is knowing their sad stories, and hearing what some of them have been through before they came to us. It’s heart-wrencing at times.
“I can be very practical about these things but some things really get me. Things like Christmas. How our warm and loving family Christmases are a million miles away from their reality. That makes me cry my eyes out and I still get upset when I think about it.
“Of course, I have to plaster a smile on my face in front of the children, but inside it really hurts. My husband also finds that aspect of fostering difficult to deal with, especially with having quite a difficult childhood himself.
“But you learn to deal with it, and that’s why we do what we do.
“We’re not here to judge. Everyone’s circumstances are different and we always encourage and promote healthy relationships between our foster children and their families.”
building a connection: give it time
Welcoming a foster child into your home can be an exciting yet anxious time for everyone involved. It’s never easy for a foster child to come and live in a new home with a new family. It’s also normal for foster families to experience feelings of uncertainty whether or not they will be able to connect and bond with the child or young person.
“The very first time I really sgruggled as a foster carer was not being able to reach out to a particular child who was really struggling,” says Jo. “I found that very upsetting and hard, and looking back, I probably didn’t handle it very well.
“Even though I was quite astute and kind of knew what to expect having many years experience of working with children, I was still unprepared for certain scenarios and situations.
“But with support and guidance, we got through it and the attachment training I attended since then has made the world of difference.”
personal qualities of a great foster carer: foster with your heart
Foster carers come from all walks of life. Fostering needs different poeple from diverse backgrounds and with a range of experiences. But there are a few personal qualities that most of them share, which make them great foster carers.
“As a foster carer, you’ve got to have a sense of humour otherwise you wouldn’t last 5 minutes!, Jo laughed. “You have to be able to laugh when you are dealing with some of the things that we have to deal with, or you’ll cry!
“And without sounding corney, you have to have a big heart.
“You can’t just do fostering by the book. You can have all the training in the world, but you’ve got to do it with your heart.
“Being able to love them unconditionally is important. Even if the intention isn’t for them to stay with you for long, if you love them and show them that you love them, you are also showing them that they are loveable and will be loved by others in the future.
“There’s so much uncertainty in fostering and when the children I foster ask me if they can stay with us forever, I will always say to them while you’re with me, you’re going to be safe and loved.”
“With every single foster child that has come to our home, I have loved them.”
Jo – Wrexham Foster Carer
I couldn’t foster, I couldn’t give them back!
Saying goodbye is something that every foster family has to face at some point in fostering. There are many reasons why a child or young person will leave your home, such as returning to their family, adoption, transferring to another foster family or moving to independence. Saying goodbye is probably one of the hardest part of the role and a reason why many people don’t foster.
“I couldn’t foster, I couldn’t give them back – this is what I often hear when I tell people I foster,” says Jo. “I know they don’t mean any disrespect, but what if everyone who considered fostering thought that?
“You’ve got to see the bigger picture. It’s not about not being able to give them back. It’s about loving them, caring for them and keeping them safe whilst they are with you.
“That’s why you’ve got to live in the here and now in fostering.
“Whatever the future holds for them, reassure them. Give them routine and structure. Regular meals on the table, regular baths, clean clothes, make sure they go to school every day.
“Those very basic daily routines, things that they may not have had before, are really important to children in care.
“I’ve been lucky as most of our transitions have been positive where we’ve seen the best possible outcomes for those children.
“Of course, it doesn’t always go that way in fostering and that never feels good.”
Read Jo’s heartfelt piece about saying goodbye ‘I couldn’t give them back’
special moments in fostering: Jo you’re going to burst!
Jo says that as a family they have many special moments to treasure from their fostering journey so far where they’ve seen the difference that their love and support has made to each child and young person that they have cared for. Jo shares some of those incredible moments of joy and achievement, which will stay with her forever.
“Seeing one of our foster children, who was only meant to stay with us for two weeks but ended up with us for 3 years, going off to university and getting his own flat. He was completely shut down when he first came to us at 15 and had no confidence. He is now studying Biomedical Science at University and is thriving. He is an asbolute inspiration. He just needed someone to believe in him.
“Watching a little boy lose a lot of weight, get fit and stop using an inhaler and being able to run around with the other children.
“Watching a little girl blossom into a beautiful soul who is kind, loving and micro-manages me!
“Watching a young man go on his first residential school trip after previously not being able to due to meltdowns.
“A little boy sitting in a wash basin like a little frog so he can spit the toothpaste directly into the plughole and not get it everywhere! Watching that little boy grow into a clever, hard working, loving and funny young man.
“My heart just grows bigger and bigger with every child I love. I remember one child saying to me after I said that –Jo, you’re going to burst! I’ll never forget those words and that little child’s face.”
could you make a difference and foster with your local authority, like Jo and her family?
If you live in Wrexham, contact Foster Wales Wrexham and a member of our dedicated team will be in touch for a friendly, no obligation conversation to help you decide if fostering is right for you.
If you live anywhere else in Wales, visit Foster Wales for more information and to find your local authority fostering team.
